driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
