Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
