my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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