he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
