My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
