he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Randomize
