i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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