Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
