Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
