i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just sent this text using only my big toe
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
