how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
