you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
