I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
