Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
