Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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