did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
