I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just want to make out with him forever
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize