I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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