i jhust puked up my retainher.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
