gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize