Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We had to coat check the pizza.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
