Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
