Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
