Quick, to the slutcave!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
