you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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