i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
