Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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