You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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