Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
