Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Randomize
