Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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