Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
