Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
