i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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