if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
