on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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