My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
