I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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