On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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