Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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