I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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