So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
