you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
