Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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