It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
