i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
