I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
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