I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
