from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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