I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
My ass is underappreciated
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
