Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
