Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She bit a glass in half.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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