I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
