No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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