Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
