they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
