OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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