My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize