what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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