Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
