We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
