Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I am available for nakedness
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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