You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
