Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
