I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
