Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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