I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
