dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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